Saying Sorry Too Much: How to Break the Pattern

As a woman in my late thirties, I’ve consistently thought that politeness is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a happy life, I’ve faced very low self-confidence. This mix of wanting to respect others and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Often, it happens so automatically that I’m barely noticing of it. It stems from anxiety and has impacted both my private and professional life. It frustrates my loved ones and colleagues, and then I get annoyed when they point it out—which only heightens my anxiety.

Presenting and Questioning

This over-apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay on track and avoid going off-topic, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an starting scholar in political science, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through gradual exposure, such as instructing groups and forcing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing embarrassments from established male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I return to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t believe I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to curb the overuse of apologies. I’ve heard that counseling might assist me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too much, and you place a load on others.

Finding the Source

A counselor might explore where this compulsion comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it your own idea or inherited from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once benefited us become harmful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-sabotage. You are aware it irritates those around you, yet you continue it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on being rather than doing. Much of effective counseling is about understanding yourself, not just addressing problems. A qualified professional will supportively question you, offering a secure environment to consider and accept who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a relational approach with a supportive guide might be more effective. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you view, ignore, and criticize yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-assurance can grow from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing ingrained patterns is challenging, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an effort to avoid discomfort or vulnerability, by acknowledging perceived flaws before others do. This can create a vicious circle of annoyance and nervousness.

Even processing later can be beneficial. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel heard without you taking accountability.

This journey will take patience, but admitting there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward change.