Evening Hosts Lampoon Trump's New 'Gold Card' Immigration Scheme

Late-night's prominent hosts used their airtime criticizing President Donald Trump's newly launched visa initiative, called the "gold card," describing it as a obvious pay-for-access arrangement for the wealthy.

Stephen Colbert's Witty Take

Starting his broadcast, Stephen Colbert offered a sardonic Christmas jingle directed at the president. "He is making a list, reviewing it twice, then giving that list to the agents at ICE," he intoned. "The President ... ruins everything he touches."

The focus was the controversial program which permits overseas individuals to acquire U.S. residency for a sum of $1 million dollars, with a "premium" tier for 5 million. The program's portal promises processing "with unprecedented speed."

"A quick message here to wealthy immigrants: prior to you pony up, have you considered Canada?" Colbert quipped.

He pointed out that the scheme is also designed to "extract cash" from firms wishing to hire skilled workers, requiring hefty costs. "That is a lot of fees, but if you enroll, you also get two free nights at a property of your choice – as long as it's the that one hotel," he continued.

"The best screening the U.S. government has before done," said Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, "a $15,000 vetting to make sure these people completely qualify to be in America."

"That's important, you have to prove you're fit to be an American," Colbert said dryly. "First question: how many hamburgers would you eat for a free T-shirt?"

Jimmy Kimmel's Scathing Commentary

On his own show, Jimmy Kimmel labeled the initiative the "Get Into America Express Card."

"It's a card that will allow wealthy overseas citizens to live here," he stated. "In exchange for a million dollars, you get legal visitor status, you get a road to citizenship, and a presidential pardon for one major crime of your choice."

"Perhaps it's time to update that inscription on the Statue of Liberty – to hell with your poor masses. Hand over a million bucks, you're in!" he joked.

Kimmel teased the simplicity of the form, observing it is "more difficult to start a Wordle account." He said that Trump "thinks citizenship is something you can sell, like a steak."

"That's right, the finest people are the rich people," Kimmel joked. "It's what Jesus constantly said! It's in the Bible. He says it's simpler for a camel to go through the eye of a needle provided that you give the needle a million dollars."

Seth Meyers covering Grocery Issues

Meanwhile, Seth Meyers focused on Trump's slipping poll numbers amid financial worries. "Voters gave Donald Trump a another term since they were upset about the economy," he said.

Recently, in a bid to address cost of living, Trump conducted a briefing in front of a display of food items, where he behaved strangely to boxes of cereal.

"These look great, I think I'm going to take some of them back to my cottage and have a lot of fun," Trump remarked. "Like the Cheerios, I haven't had Cheerios in a ages."

"Trump is so fucking weird," Meyers responded. "Like, you're going to take them back to your cottage to have a lot of fun with them? What are you gonna do with those Cheerios?"

Meyers concluded by targeting conservative media arguments of Trump's financial performance. "Maybe instead of voicing concerns, you should give him a sparkling trophy like what FIFA did," he laughed.